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I wrestled with writing this but I thought that if I did, it would help others who have lost loved ones or are about to. It's never easy when this happens; no matter what your belief is. It's extremely important to honor yourself and allow your feelings to come up to the surface so they can heal. Most of you know by now that we are not just physical beings. We are spiritual beings having a physical experience in a human body. There is also the emotional, mental, spiritual body to consider that is all tied up with the physical person. We don't always know why something happens the way it does. We just have to have faith that something good will occur from something that "feels" so horrible.

For the longest time I remained in shock and could feel nothing. There were times I had to focus on breathing and I took one second at a time and it grew to one moment and then on day. As the shock wore off, I had to allow myself to experience the emotions. (I wanted to feel nothing). I found myself angry that I was forced to pick out a suit for Fred's wake on my birthday. His birthday was the next day. Did it have to be at this time; and with the holidays right around the corner? Then a statement from John Lennon kept ringing in my head "Love is real"; and I knew that as humans we had a central nervous system that experiences all kinds of emotions but that as spiritual beings only love is real. everything else comes only from the ego. I found myself choosing only to focus on the love that we have for each other and all the fun times. We married as kids and were very rarely apart. We spent most of our whole lives together and it felt like I was missing a limb. I started to meditate to feel better and then the dreams came.... I believe when I started to force myself to focus on just the love instead of the pain, I became open to these dreams. The first dream came a few weeks ago. I found myself in North Carolina planting a beautiful miniature red rose bush in a beautiful planter. Not having enough room, the red rose bush was left behind . I then found myself driving with Fred, trying to find a lovely spot for a picnic. I had a healthy lunch packed and we stopped the car. We walked and in front of me was a beautiful green meadow with a small forest of trees a few hundred feet away. When he asked me if I could go anywhere for the picnic where would I choose to go? I said..."well da, I love the ocean". He gestured with his hand to continue walking ahead and the trees parted. I then heard the ocean waves crashing against the rocks and saw a beautiful sandy beach; and what was on that beach?..........my beautiful red miniature rose bush! It needed water and pruning. He said it was mine to have at any time and any place. It was obvious to me that the rose bush was a symbol for love and that my heart broke when I was away in N.C. and I left it there. I knew from that dream that love is limitless and that I could have it whenever I wanted to open my heart again.

On January 16, I had a dream that was the most profound. I dreamed that the phone rang at 2:45am. (I remembered that it was important for me to see the clock and remember that number). I picked it up and heard nothing when I said hello. Then faintly as I said hello two times, I heard Fred say "It's Fred". I said "Fred, are you all right?" He said "I'm fine". I then told him how much I missed him and either he stated the same or I telepathically picked it up. The line then went still. It felt, at that time that my husband, , was trying to gather as much energy as possible to communicate these messages to me because he didn't have the capacity to speak louder or have all his energy from the transition yet. It felt strange the next day; almost like unfinished business. I've experienced this type of thing many times and intuitively I knew he communicated with me, but the ego wanted validation. The next day my daughter and I went for a few groceries and I found myself going through the motions. I pulled the number at the deli and was stunned when I looked up at the number and it said 245!! That was all the validation we needed! You're never gone. You're always alive and alive! I am grateful for learning this information years earlier, because if I didn't it would make it a lot harder. This experience has created me to learn some great things. I've learned when things are rough, give back to people in need, be productive, believe in yourself (let your old limitations go), accept the love from others; and by creating the best life possible we not only honor ourselves but our loved ones as well. I choose to focus on the love and laughter and will grow from there. You see I had my book all written. Fred and I would retire later, enjoy our grandchildren, travel, play, help others together, explore new worlds together. Now the pages are blank; with no words and no pictures; but I write my own play. I can choose whatever I want based on how I to feel and create whatever future I want. It's still the same book; just a different chapter.. ..So if you find yourself in this situation or have been, or for that matter any painful situation, you'll get through the tough times easier and help others along the way by focusing on these words and by always remembering... "only love is real".

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